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Array
(
[sid] => 173355
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => This endless exhaustion
[time] => 2012-07-15 01:16:27
[hometext] => the struggling depression ...
[bodytext] => i'm tired, no ... not sleepy resting my head won't help me it's an exhaustion that isn't defined by the words to articulate life it sits in my stomach and isn't even soaked up by the beautiful morning light i lit candles so i wouldn't be left in the dark i pressed my head against your chest so my organs could remember how to beat my heart i know even my normal motions are slow and displaced i count myself ready out of bed each day set my alarm well before six because it takes me so long to grow the guts to just exist and i cant eat, dream.. I can't even believe that this will get better there is no hope only the constant screaming that this will be forever i'm too tired to be scared that you will leave me for someone i'm too absent minded to even care although i want to 'cos they have well informed me of the hell this illness has put you through maybe once i was pretty and i had glowing skin now I'm wane, pale and so sickly thin i used to have green eyes but now I can't even see a colour behind the black lights My stomach aches, my legs cramp my nerves burn me but it's the only level of feeling my body can seem to create i feel like i'm on some medicine that has turned this gorgeous world into a rotten waste and my mind; which use to read, and study and write can no longer put two words in a row a page would take a week to even read ...not to absorb though I don't even have the feelings to hate myself or try to end my life I'm convinced I deserve this suffering and to leave I have no right It's not pain; agony, I don;t know there's no words that are right it's just exhaustion that isn't restored by a long dreamy night i don;t want to die because I used to adore laying by your side and i remember I once had a purpose a soul, and a longing for life and next to me you lay, and I hold your hand so hard my wrist is about to break because I'm worried if I let go I will drift away to a place where I don't exist and I will be forever forced to stay. [comments] => 4 [counter] => 186 [topic] => 48 [informant] => cherryamber [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )
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