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Array
(
[sid] => 172840
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => no answers will ever come,
[time] => 2012-06-05 16:45:02
[hometext] => just ramblings about silly questions that i will never know the answers to, but knowing as long as i have GOD i will be fine
[bodytext] => i have asked myself this question alot lately, and i dont know why mayabe secertly, i want the truth to be a lie i want to believe that she loved me, and wanted me when i was born and that is the delima, in which my heart is torn honestly i dont even know why i care, after all these years since i have let go of the heartache, and fears why cant i remember her saying " i love you" through the years why do i only remember all the tears the tears that were caused by her acting like she didnt want, the responsibility of me what is it or who was it that she saw, when she looked at me was it the biological father, that i will never know or was it because she was thrown out of the house, because her pregnancy with me started to show did my sperm donor of a father, not want her or me or did my existance bring her hostility, from her family these are answers, that i will never ever know because when it came to me, she rarely ever let her emotions show financially all our needs where met, and the few times she acted like a mother, i will never forget and the to answer these questions, are ones i will never get i just tell myself, in her own way she loved me, even though she never let me see why would she, or why did she hide her love for me i did every thing i could, to make her proud of me and no matter what i did, i always felt like she hated me can you imagine, not feeling the love of the one ,who gave you LIFE and then rejected you i came so close to a nervous break down, but God pulled me through he gave me the gift of poetry, to write it down and not hold it in me he blessed me with a gift, that saved my sanity he placed people, in my life along the way, to show me what a mothers love felt like, and im thankful i must say my mother was suffering from a childhood, of not feeling wanted and rejected at times, that much i know maybe thats why she never let love for me show maybe. maybe, maybe is all i know all i can do is guess, and assume and just let it go i know God wanted me here if no one else did, that i know for sure he has a journey for me, to get through and endure so as long as i keep myself focused, and on stay task, as i journey through all Gods test i know what ever he has instore for me, is only for me to be at my best though feeling unloved and unwanted by the DNA that concieved me one thing i do know is that GOD dont make mistakes and everything, and everyone is created for a specific reason that only time will show for he is my life line, my source of love that never changes he is the constant in my life no matter how it rearranges and as all the insecurities and fears slowly fall away i know GOD my heavenly father, the one true giver of life will remain no matter how many times i fall on this journey, no matter how much i complain he is the only one that can keep me sane when life can be a drain on my very heart and soul and things out of my control he is my stength when i have none and my voice when i dont have one he is without a doubt every thing good in and about me he is my everything you see and his kingdom is where my destiney God willing, its where it will lead me because without God we are not free and free from this life of ignorance and chaos and confusion is what i want to be im a human being im alive and breathing, and i matter to GOD if no one else cares, written by shirlee Record date 6//2012 [comments] => 2 [counter] => 238 [topic] => 25 [informant] => desire [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => MiscPoems )
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