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Array
(
[sid] => 159363
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => Unstoppable
[time] => 2010-04-29 17:58:54
[hometext] => This is my first REAL poem... Critiques would be greatly appreciated- ALSO! I'm not sure that it follows any poetry techniques...It's just from the heart! Hope you enjoy!
[bodytext] => With each day, we face new frustrations.
Some days, we struggle to keep going.
But, despite the troubles, we go on knowing
That this love is stronger than the imprecations
Of those who want to keep us apart.
They try, without success,
Because this love is pure and selfless;
This love is real, vibrant, and true to heart.
That which we pursued so fervently-
That which once seemed so unattainable-
We now cherish it profoundly.
It is now a love that is undeniable-
Controlled passionately, inevitably, and tenderly;
It is now a love that is unstoppable!
[comments] => 7
[counter] => 309
[topic] => 2
[informant] => CiCi2011
[notes] =>
[ihome] => 0
[alanguage] => english
[acomm] => 0
[haspoll] => 0
[pollID] => 0
[score] => 5
[ratings] => 1
[editpoem] => 1
[associated] =>
[topicname] => LovePoetry
)
Unstoppable
Contributed by
CiCi2011
on
Thursday, 29th April 2010 @ 05:58:54 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
With each day, we face new frustrations.
Some days, we struggle to keep going.
But, despite the troubles, we go on knowing
That this love is stronger than the imprecations
Of those who want to keep us apart.
They try, without success,
Because this love is pure and selfless;
This love is real, vibrant, and true to heart.
That which we pursued so fervently-
That which once seemed so unattainable-
We now cherish it profoundly.
It is now a love that is undeniable-
Controlled passionately, inevitably, and tenderly;
It is now a love that is unstoppable!
Copyright ©
CiCi2011
... [
2010-04-29 17:58:54]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Unstoppable
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Thursday, 29th April 2010 @ 06:51:11 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Welcome to YPDC.
All my poetry comes striate form the heart, just raw 100% natural talent.
That's where the beauty of it all is.
Great job and you don't need to change a thing
huggs, blessings,
emy |
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Re: Unstoppable
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Thursday, 29th April 2010 @ 10:46:08 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I suggest you learn your techniques...
then make sure to ignore them
and break all the rules you can
anyone who tries to tell you that you need to use a certain form or tries to put poetry in a box
fold it up neatly in a little package...
they've never written poetry
they've written a carcass, a lifeless shell
The best way a writer can make a reader cry is to cry himself. All you ever need to know about poetry is all you already know.
Always, abraham |
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Re: Unstoppable
(User Rating: 1 )
by laststarontheleft on
Friday, 30th April 2010 @ 05:09:02 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I can't say anymore truth than emystar and iodinelove!
Exceptional writing.... embrace your heart ,your emotions ~ and your pen! ~ now go write even more!
Star x x x |
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Re: Unstoppable
(User Rating: 1 )
by Nevilleconnie on
Friday, 30th April 2010 @ 05:25:29 AM AEST
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| I would have never thought this to be your first poem. It was so beautifully written. The words were so full of passion and emotion. I hope you decide to write more. |
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Re: Unstoppable
(User Rating: 1 )
by aliopterix on
Friday, 30th April 2010 @ 10:37:38 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| I found this very stirring and full of emotion. Great write, Aliopterix. |
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Re: Unstoppable
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Friday, 30th April 2010 @ 01:49:53 PM AEST
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Everyone who has posted here already made a very important point: technique isn't required for beauty, and beauty is not born of technique. However, seeing as you *have* asked for some feedback, I'm going to go ahead and tell you what I like, what I felt needed work, and what the poem made me feel. :)
This poem glows, with an inner beauty, which can only come from heartfelt emotion. It's a very good thing that I can hear your feelings from your words. The poem feels unstoppable, spilling over in its passion, and is quite fitting for your title.
I'm a little undecided on your language, however; your use of simple words, but repeated ending of lines with multisyllabic (and sometimes slightly obscure) words echoes eerily of a vocabulary assignment. It's not wrong to use big words, but it's certainly interesting to me how you juxtapose commonplace words like "struggle" and "keep going" with "imprecations" and "unattainable." This fluctuating tone feels like you're not sure what message you want to give, and are putting in whatever word comes to mind. There's nothing wrong, again, with that method, but I have a habit of reading over my work a few times to make sure I've said what I wanted to say, *just right* so as to crystallize my message.
Scanning this poem, I can see that you have an Italian sonnet written: abbba abba cd cd cd. It explains the word choice you were using, to some extent, but if this is the case then I would probably rethink the rhymes entirely, as they're more artificial (this poem reads very much like free verse and not iambic pentameter) than they are enhancing. I've written an equivalent, to give an example of a poem that adheres strictly (and possibly to a fault) the meter of iambic pentameter:
Frustrations face us each and every day
The struggle some days merely going on
Despite these trials, we subsist upon
Our love, whose strength no hardship e'er could sway.
In this day and age, your voice and your tone are what matters most; on this site, that is more true than anything else. Do not let conventions bind your words, and do not seek conventions if they are not part of what you wish to do. This is a nice poem, about a love that has overcome much, and I commend your effort.
Sincerely,
Eternity's Lyre. |
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Re: Unstoppable
(User Rating: 1 )
by brialuv on
Friday, 18th June 2010 @ 12:17:24 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| poetry comes straight from the heart i love this one ! |
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