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Array ( [sid] => 145409 [catid] => 1 [aid] => mick [title] => In the night [time] => 2008-09-27 20:09:49 [hometext] => I sincerely hope to receive comments on what is good and bad about this poem i did. [bodytext] => As i lie in bed, with tears flowing down the the sides of my face,
My unmoving body reflects not the war raging within,
And as i desperately hope, that i fall asleep soon, or forever,
Who, i wonder, can feel, the heaviness of the teardrop, now hanging from my right ear lobe, sympathetically. [comments] => 4 [counter] => 264 [topic] => 32 [informant] => audaudaud [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 0 [ratings] => 0 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => SadPoetry )

In the night

Contributed by audaudaud on Saturday, 27th September 2008 @ 08:09:49 PM in AEST
Topic: SadPoetry

As i lie in bed, with tears flowing down the the sides of my face,
My unmoving body reflects not the war raging within,
And as i desperately hope, that i fall asleep soon, or forever,
Who, i wonder, can feel, the heaviness of the teardrop, now hanging from my right ear lobe, sympathetically.

Copyright © audaudaud ... [ 2008-09-27 20:09:49]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: In the night (User Rating: 1 )
by Brasco on Sunday, 28th September 2008 @ 12:37:07 AM AEST
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I thought this was a great start, it definitely conveys your emotions well, but I would like to see more. Keep writing.

Re: In the night (User Rating: 1 )
by Ambivalence on Sunday, 28th September 2008 @ 09:15:48 AM AEST
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I can imagine vividly this sad scene. indeed, i wish too i can sleep forever and never wake up... Like Braco said, great start, but i think u needed to add a lil bit more at the end to wrap it up. but keep writing, u hav that great potential as a poet. take care
-K.Z.

Re: In the night (User Rating: 1 )
by Loende on Sunday, 28th September 2008 @ 03:51:21 PM AEST
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You paint a very vivid and familiar picture, but it's not a complete story. I think that you should see if there's more to add, either before or after this to bring it full circle. Nice start though. Well done.

Be well,
Loende

Re: In the night (User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on Monday, 29th September 2008 @ 02:47:02 AM AEST
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I agree with Brasco's positivity. I think you conveyed your emotions well. You also used wonderful wording. This is a good start. The problem is the formatting. You should have broken your lines more. It's a small thing, but important for a reader who is used to reading poem formatting.

Yet to me I say break the rules all the live long day, that in itself is poetry. Still in the case of such a short work perhaps proper formatting was necessary.

BRAVO!

SCM

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