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Array
(
[sid] => 114229
[catid] => 1
[aid] => mick
[title] => The Faith I Never Had
[time] => 2006-02-04 08:41:28
[hometext] => This is a lot about my own struggle with my faith. And It's about how much I love Mitchell and I how much I would give him. I have faith, he is the reason I have it.
[bodytext] =>  Long nights leave me breathless as I think of your mouth over my skin. As I think of your hands holding me close. I just want you so much. Decisions come too late; I have to choose between my nature and my love. Of course, my love will win out. Your eyes hold questions longing to be asked. About a God ruling you from overhead. I live my life day to day; I don’t let heaven and hell control what I do. Where I go is not my decision. I want to give you everything. Everything I have to give. All the blood in my body; all the spirit in my soul. What are you willing to give me? I can give you the world. I can show you the light where it was never before. If you could see what I saw, your faith would forever be changed, but do I want to destroy that part of you? My faith was destroyed long ago when I had to choose between living and dying at an altar asking for forgiveness. I couldn’t look around without feeling everyone staring a hole into my back. I couldn’t pray without thinking my prayers were in vain, because no God would give a child this kind of burden to bear. No God would give a girl nightmares of death, everlasting guilt that she’s done something wrong, and a duty to show up and pray at his thrown. No God would rule me, I rule myself. But I see that faith in you. That lost hope that there’s something more to this world. It makes me want to go back to that time, but whenever you speak of it, I’m filled with hate that something as meaningless as fear of hell will rule you. These necklaces hold you next to me, when you’re so far away. I wish I could make you see what I see in this world. But I don’t want to break that hope I see in your eyes. I don’t want to destroy the innocence that still thrives in your soul; where mine has long died. May be if I had done something different, I would be like you. I would stick to my faith and pray everyday, but I can’t without feeling guilty every step of the way. You can’t know the depths of my soul. I’ll never be able to make you feel this way. I want you to hold onto that faith. I want you to have the hope I never had. Sooner or later you’re going to hate me. You’re going to wish me dead, but until then, I want to hold onto you as hard as I can. [comments] => 1 [counter] => 162 [topic] => 48 [informant] => MG_Akela22090 [notes] => [ihome] => 0 [alanguage] => english [acomm] => 0 [haspoll] => 0 [pollID] => 0 [score] => 11 [ratings] => 7 [editpoem] => 1 [associated] => [topicname] => EmotionalPoetry )
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